i'm having lots of flashbacks to relationships now past, and i'm angry.
nothing but anger from betrayal.
no reasonable means for reprisal. i can't even lash out despite futility because i recognise the futility.
the only paths are to forfiet myself; my mind, my heart, or my soul.
i could forfiet my mind, and live in opposition to the choices i would make.
i could forfiet my heart, and live as though i've witnessed nothing- no hardship.
i could forfiet my soul, and live in opposition to the inclinations and feelings i have.
but all are dishonest, to myself and others.
i don't believe i will get a fullfilling relationship, i'm too jaded.
i'd be either a drone/slave of utility, a fraud behind a mask, or a ponce/cuck.
there is nothing else of value, just the lie of opportunity- of reward. there is no choice. there isn't even the feeling of capacity to make a mistake without disproportionate reprisal.
i can feel my whole brain contracting in rage. they made choices i have to live with. i was sufficiently expendable.
can i even fake being normal? i did it before and it was a hollow existence, but i wasn't angry. i don't think i can. maybe sadism is the torch out of the anger.
